STATIC DISCLAIMER: All the stuff in here is purely my opinions, and they tend to change depending on what mood I'm in. If you're going to get bitter if I say something about you that you don't like, then maybe don't read. I avoid using names as much as possible, and would request that people who know me do the same in their comments. Basically, I often vent my frustrations on here, so if you happen to be someone who frustrates me, expect to read a description of someone very much like you in here!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Unhappy

This is not going to be a very exciting, nor fun to read post. I just needed to write it anyways.

My drive to work this morning was plauged by this overwhelming sense of disapointment. I suddenly had this horrible realisation that I'm not anywhere near where I wanted to be 5 years ago. True, I'm married and have a beautiful little boy, but still... There's something not quite right about it all. This especially applies to my job. I went to uni for 4 years and became a qualified computer scientist, specialising in software development. And yet, I haven't developed a piece of software since I graduated. If I was a legitimate Systems Admin at a company that (for starters) recognised it's need for one, maybe I'd feel better about doing this instead of writing the next killer OS or madly popular MMORPG, but unfortunatley I work at a school where IT is relegated to a support service at best. {begin sarcasm}Everyone needs it to do their job, but why on earth would people be employed JUST to do I.T.? I mean, they don't TEACH?!? What are they doing here? {end sarcasm}
And that, my friends, is the question. What on earth am I doing here? I feel rather trapped by it all now. My job offers me the most awesome of conditions: I start at 8am at earliest, and finish around 4pm most days. I can take days off to look after my family, or go home if my wife is having a hard time with our little boy and my boss and his boss are cool with it. It's 20mins from home. I get free hardware if it's not needed anymore, and I have access to a host of benifits like Microsoft software with no cost to me and a Technet Plus subscription.
So what's so bad about it? I think I've mentioned this previously, but EVERYONE acts like they're my boss. All 180 odd staff. And there is very little I can do about it. My boss acts like he's in control and that he's got plans upon plans to get I.T. to a position of prominance in the school, but so far all he's done is make us more work, and fold to people's demands. One of his current suggestions is to sub-contract me and my workmate out to other companies/schools who could use our expertise. But why would I contract under the banner of my work, when it has no reputation for contract work, and I'd be in just as good of a place if I just went out on my own? If you've read my previous posts, you'll know that it's kind of panned out that way anyways, and so I can't see that ever coming about. Aside from the fact, I have no desire to do contract work. It destroys the above-mentioned conditions (ie: I have to travel further, will need to work for longer hours, etc.) with very little payoff, other then the suggestion I may recieve a pay increase at some future stage. My boss makes a lot of promises you know, and very rarely follows through on any of them. Example? He promised me and my workmate an $100 gift voucher for Christmas, and then just never delivered. Also promised a staff Christmas lunch, and also never delivered. There's a lot of non-delivery here. Pretty morale destroying if you ask me.
But see, there's just one more thing... I don't WANT to do this stuff. For starters, I want to be the boss of at least my own little world. Presently, I'm the boss of very little. I kind of control the server infrastructure and if I put my foot down heavily enough, I can stop my boss or coworkers from destroying the Active Directory schema while attempting to reconfigure Exchange because someone didn't recieve an email. For the most part however, I get very little sway.

{NOTE: Now 8pm, finishing this at home. Otherwise, you may wonder why I'm complaining when I appear to get to play Playstation at work... I don't. I'm at home, silly.}
Also, I want to work with stuff I love, or if not, be allowed to do stuff I love while at work and share it with others. What do I mean? Well, I LOVE games and anime. Not just a little, but a heck of a lot. I now have close to 200 anime DVDs and also have 5 RPG-style games on backlog for me to play through. I own EVERY Final Fantasy game ever released. Currently, I have the intro movie for Star Ocean: Till The End Of Time playing in the background, as I intend to play it after I'm finished this blog entry. I get absorbed into anime and games. I only like games with good stories and that's what I love about anime - the story. It's what it's all about for me.
And that's why I wanted first and most unrealistically, to be a game writer/producer/director. I have a couple of stories and ideas I've thought up over the past 8 odd years for different games, parts of games, stories... Just stuff that I think would be really awesome to do. I have some code background, so I think I'd be able to interface really well with the programmers, and being a gamer myself, I think I have a pretty darn good idea about what cuts it and what doesn't.
I've thought of a couple of other jobs I could be happy doing, but most of them are pretty limited fields, and really, without experience in that field I won't get a job in the field, and then can't get experience, and so won't get a job. So yeah, not fun.
However, the other thing is that I think I could be happy in a job like the one I'm in if there were a couple of other people who were just a bit like me. Who liked anime, or games, or both. Even different games... Like, I like RPGs mostly, but I can always go a good game of Quake III, or Warcraft or something.. However, my boss likes woodwork and tennis, and my coworker likes pirating kids DVDs (he has kids who watch them) and watching TV on his computer. Both of them have said they don't really get the whole game thing, so the anime thing would be completely out of the question.

I'm going to stop now, because I want to get in some gaming this evening while my wife is away and I can monopolise on the living room. Basically, I don't like my job, because nothing about it in any way reflects who I am and what I want to accomplish. It's not me. It's some other guy who is boring and is only in computers for the money, and has a TAFE certifictate in something vaguely computer related. Not me.

On a completely different note, Nobuo Uematsu has resigned from Square-Enix, along with the guy who (I believe) wrote all the good Final Fantasy games, Hironobu Sakaguchi. Sakaguchi-san has started his own company, and has signed to develop for the next-gen Xbox. Uematsu-san is proberbly going to start his own company as well, and hasn't ruled out composing for future Square-Enix games. OK, this all sucks. Why, you might ask? I think it might spell the end of the greatest game series and company of all time.

EDIT: You know what? I jump to too many negative conclusions. It appears, according to this Wikipedia page, that Nobuo Uematsu left Square Enix and started his own company, "Smile Please", and will compose for both Square Enix and Hironobu Sakaguchi's new company. Looks to me like he was avoiding a Sony/Microsoft conflict of intrests. Clever man. THE MUSIC IS NOT DEAD!!!

1 comment:

Joel Baltaks said...

I think it would be quite tough to work in the gaming industry in general - these guys tend to work harder for their money than the average businessy person. Most serious games nowadays cost alot of money to create and take alot of time and effort.

*dream*Hey it would be cool to create a cheap little device that doesn't try to compete directly with big games but pushes into a new market. I'm thinking some kind of tamagochi thing on steroids, that plays rpgs. I guess part of the limitation of this would be the interface - because that would limit how colourfully the story could be told. I mean, a tiny black and white lcd is not good enough. I wonder how much it would cost to create a little gameboy device - but simpler. The best would be: creating a cheap handheld device that takes standard batteries that last a long time, maybe it also has some kind of wireless, or a cable to connect systems like a gameboy.*/dream* Maybe this has already been done with the gameboy and the pokemon game... Anyway I'm thinking about possible angles to get into the gaming market.

-- Ha! I put dream html tags in, but it wouldn't post while i had them :) --